I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
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i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
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Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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