Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
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It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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