she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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