I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I've blown a few things in my day
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
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