i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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