Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
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I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
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Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
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