I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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