party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
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Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
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Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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