Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
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...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
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