You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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