Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
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