Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
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I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
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I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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