I'm so fucking centered right now
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
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Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
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Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
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