I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
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Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
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Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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