white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
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"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
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Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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