fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize