my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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