I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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