I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
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Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
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I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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