All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
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Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
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I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Randomize