You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
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please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
You are the jesus of drinking
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
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And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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