just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
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You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
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I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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