Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
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I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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