APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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