Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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