yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
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we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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