I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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