I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
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you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
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You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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