i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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