my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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