Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize