I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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