i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
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