She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
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My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
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Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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