my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
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At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
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