I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
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throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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