My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
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Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
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