...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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