dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
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I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
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I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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