Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
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yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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