just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
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I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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