why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
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We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I think a kid would responsible me up
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
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I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize