the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
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Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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