Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
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His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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