Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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