Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
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Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
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Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
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