my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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