i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
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Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
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Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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