He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
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You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
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passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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