I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize